No, I’m not referring to that medieval period just after the fall of Rome. I’m talking about the 36 hours 35 minutes, and 14 seconds that I had to survive without internet and cable. For a so-called millennial, this was nightmare.
It’s Monday evening, and like any true Nashvillian I’m cheering on the Predators in the Stanley Cup Finals. At this point the Penguins have tied the game at 1 to 1 and it’s looking like we’re going to have a heck of a hockey game.
It was then that that the unspeakable happened. My TV froze. As if struck by the hand of God itself the picture on my screen went still and the sound cut out. Instantly my wife looks at me and says… “Fix it.” I pry my abnormally small butt (it’s seriously small, more like a crack in my back than a butt) off the couch and proceed to bang on the TV.
With the Fonzie Method having failed me, I channeled my inner IT Geek and reset the cable modem/router. Under normal circumstances unplugging this bad boy and waiting a few seconds usually leads to me being hailed as an IT WIZARD. As fate would have it… no such praise would find me that night. Instead I was welcomed with Comcast equivalent of the blue screen of death. Trying not panic, I systematically went through the house and checked all my cable boxes, reset them as well. And still nothing. Hell, I even checked the cables outside the house. NADA!
By this time my wife has given up completely and passed out on the couch. Mind you this is after about 10 minutes of no TV/internet service, (blinks) If only I possess such powers. No, instead I was left to my own devices for the remainder of the night. Play Xbox, can’t no internet. Ah I can read that book on Amazon Prime… no INTERNET. Watch some woodworking vids on YouTube… NO InTerNET!!!!
So, what was a guy to do?
The year is 2017, we’ve put a man on the moon, charted the known world, and can create flameless lights. Truly there is something I can do that doesn’t require a broadband connection. Honestly… I felt like a caveman pleading with an electron God. I grew more desperate with the passing of each hour. How did people endure such dullery?
In a moment of desperation, I raced upstairs and found a book to read, The Portrait of Dorian Gray, but I couldn’t find the power button to turn it on.
This continued for another day and a half and by the time the Comcast tech had arrived I had convinced myself that there was something terribly wrong. I had visions of a 6-person crew working at our home for the next 3 days to run new wiring. I fully expected the tech to say the wiring had mysterious gone bad, been eaten by rodents, or shocked by a fluke lightning storm… Anything other than what he said.
The guy literally walked in and jiggled the pull on the “SIGNAL BOOSTER” and said, “that should do it, I bet the dog just bump this loose and you should have everything up…” Literally everything started to work before he could finish his sentence.
Oh the shame…