Yesterday’s Big Game is without a doubt the most watched sporting event in the United States. I don’t care who you are, or where you live, everyone has plans for Super Bowl Sunday. However, it’s more than just an excuse to sit around the tube and watch two titans of the gridiron slug it out. It’s a time for friends, family, and food – which in this household specifically refers to ONION DIP, of the Lipton variety.
Onion dip holds a special place in my heart. There is something about that silky-smooth texture and savory flavor that overwhelms my senses and forces me to abandon reason. Once that onion-y goodness touches my lips I turn into an onion dip eating machine, and I can’t help but eat the entire bowl one chip at a time (or sometimes it’s 3 or 4 chips at a time…).
- 1 envelope Lipton® Recipe Secrets® Onion Soup Mix
- 1 container (16 oz.) sour cream
Just like it happened the year before and the year before that, it starts. Little bubbles. I think no… I’m fine. And again, little bubbles. As if driven by some malevolent force, those, “little bubbles,” manifest into something more sinister. Deep down, I know what horror awaits: gas. I’m not talking about the cute little ‘maybe I can pinch this out and no one will notice’ type of gas. I’m talking about house clearing, relationship ending GAS.
At first I find excuses to leave the room and discreetly exorcise my demons in private. However, as time goes on, and the pressure grows, I can’t help but be less discrete. A little crop dusting here, a little crop dusting there, and if I’m strategic I can make it through the night with no one realizing I was the culprit.
While I’ve made a career of surviving the game, there is nothing I can do after I’ve fallen asleep. Once I drift off into the sweet beyond all bets are off. My poor wife discovered this the hard way and after one such evening of gluttonous indulgence. Since that fateful night, I’ve been banished from my own bed and my intake of onion dip has been restricted to once a year. Try as I might, she just won’t give in. Something to do with turning our bedroom into a methane factory.
So, I spent the night on the couch, and as I sit here experiencing the lingering effects of my decision (shudders) I have time to reflect on my actions. And well, all I have to say is…